I’m done lying to you and myself. At one point in middle
school I told you I was bisexual and you wrote it off as a phase. In
retrospect, you were right. It was a phase. But perhaps the part you considered
a phase wasn’t exactly what I would consider an experimental phase in my
sexuality today. It’s undeniable that I’ve experienced strong feelings for
boys, that goes without saying, but there’s always been something missing. You
see, (name) may have been my first boyfriend, but he was not at all my first
love or first relationship. My first relationship was with a girl I considered
my best friend, (name), in 7th grade. I’ve been in love with boys undoubtably,
but there’s always been something missing. I’m not attracted to men. They don’t
appeal to me or give me the same feeling women do. They never have. I’ve always
had this lingering depression and confusion. I’ve always felt out of place and
I’ve been lying to myself for too long about who I am. Before you object,
before you say this is just a phase, I’ve been on this earth almost 18 years
now and I’ve felt this way for a long time but I’ve felt pressured to reform to
your heteronormative image of me. You’ve always said “when you meet the man you
love” or “when you marry a man” when speaking about my future with someone I
love. I didn’t have the same image in my
head as you. I don’t want to blame this
on you. This is our society as a whole, heterosexual is the default. If it wasn’t,
I wouldn’t have to say this to you. No straight person has to lie to themselves
and others, hide their feelings for people, and confront people about who they
are attracted to. If only we all had to, if only we didn’t assume people were
straight. I’ve never seen myself spending the rest of my life with a man. I’ve
seen my wedding as two back to back episodes of “Say Yes to The Dress”, and
maybe one day, Mama, you’ll get to be on two different episodes. One with me
and one with my wife. This isn’t a
rebellion. This isn’t in spite of all men. This isn’t because some boys hurt me
and I’m shunning them all out. This isn’t something that some man will be able
to change about me. No man can walk into my life and treat me right enough to
change that. I accept that love hurts no matter who you’re with. I don’t wish to be a man. This doesn’t change
anything about who I am or how you should view me as a person. I understand
that this means giving up my rights. I understand this means putting myself out
there for friends and family to judge and possibly reject because of their
views on homosexuality. I understand I
might be written out of some wills and friendships. We all have different
views. My existence is something that will strike debate and hatred. I’ll be
denied many things I wasn’t when I was buried under the piles of clothes in my
closet (metaphorically of course). Some believe hell is where I will go, which
I am okay with because if the place where pretty girls want to kiss me is what
they call hell, they have been calling it by the wrong name for centuries. So
go ahead, tell everyone. I am. Tell them your daughter is a lesbian. She doesn’t
cut her hair short or play basketball. She isn’t protesting against men or
doing it for their attention. I shouldn’t
have to hide in this century. If you can accept that I have pink hair and I
play with ponies, you already know that I’m a little different than other kids,
and you can accept that I’m just the same pony loving pink haired girl that
wants to play with hair and makeup and ponies with another girl she loves for
the rest of her life. I was going to hold onto this until I was 18 but I don’t
see why I can’t be who I want to be right now.
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